Jacee

I have waited a while to write this post about my Jacee.

She was only five when her sister became violently ill due to a common childhood sickness.

Blakelynne fought for her life and I dealt with alot of feelings of grief, turmoil, and parental regrets for a period of time.

I wanted to sooth Jacee-Kay, but I wouldn't leave Blakelynne's side.

They both needed their mommy.

Not quite a month had passed after Blakelynne's life threatening condition did I pick Jacee-Kay up from school with a minor eye injury.

She had sand fly in her eyes from playing in the sand box at school, and was in a great deal of pain by the time we got home that day.  I almost couldn't believe that I was contemplating yet another trip to emergency care.  Didn't I just fight those questionable feelings with Blakey of:

"Is it really that bad?"
"If we were thinking clearly, would we wait until morning to just take her to her regular pediatrician?"
"If we go tonight will doctors and nurses overreact to something a regular doctor can handle in a swift notion?"

After concluding that the injury was emergency room worthy, I gave Jacee-Kay the news.

The entire way to the emergency room Jacee-Kay screamed at me.  Telling me how much she was mad. How she couldn't believe I would do this to her.  I just told her how sorry I was that we had to go, but that a doctor was the only one who could help us. I was very calm.  A veteran, if you will, at emergency trips.

I had to literally drag her into the facility.

I mean drag her.
She screamed.  A five year old screaming at the top of their lungs.
"PLEASE, NO." over and over and over again.

I'm sure onlookers probably thought to themselves that I could not handle my child.
You see, I didn't stop her from screaming. I let her yell at me and cry. I let her hit me. I let her fight me.  I did not fight back or try to control her.  I tried to sooth her, but I let her fight.

And this is why.

A month earlier I watched my youngest child fight to live.
I had to decide weather or not my older one should come to the hospital which was about an hour and a half from where we lived.

These were my thoughts.  Right or wrong, selfish or foolish, here they are:

"No, don't bring her, I don't want her to see her sister like this. It's scary here."
"Ok, I need Jacee-Kay, I really need to hold one of my children right now, please bring her."
"No, she doesn't need to miss any school days, please keep her and make sure she gets to school."
"Actually, you know what, she has perfect attendance, go ahead and bring her up, she needs me."
"No, don't bring her, she will forever be traumatized by hospitals."
"PLEASE, bring MY baby, I want to color with her today"

I was a total basket case.  Indecisive.  Sleep deprived. Grieving.  I finally decided after learning that Blakelynne may not make it out that I wanted Jacee-Kay there.  I felt that if she didn't get a chance to tell her sister good bye that she may never forgive me.  I needed Jace to tell Blake good bye.  And I needed her not to realize that she was saying goodbye.

I had Jacee-Kay come to Temple for a couple of hours one day.

On that day Jacee-Kay didn't say much.
She was quiet and reserved and didn't want to really look at Blakelynne.  I admit it was pretty scary to see our baby like that.  I did however have Jacee-Kay go stand with her sister and hold her hand at the same time I held Jacee-Kay's hand. I didn't lose it.  Although, I had thoughts that this was possibly the last time I would have both of my girls together. I was grasping for time. Although I knew this was upsetting for Jacee, in my heart I believed one day Jacee-Kay would thank me even if that meant that doctors and hospitals were going to be a bad, scary, unforgiving place for a while.

Later that day, before she left the hospital, Jacee-Kay asked me if Blakelynne was going to die.  I told her that deep in my heart I didn't think it was her time, but I wasn't sure.  We prayed.  I told Jacee-Kay that the reason I didn't think that Blakelynne would die was because she was too much of a fighter.

"She has fought this far for her life." I continued, "She bites kids at school who steal her paci, she's feistier than normal babies, and don't get me started on how she throws her silverware at you if she doesn't like what's for supper."
Jacee laughed through tears.
"She has a temper and she never listens at home.  Because of all of this mommy has even more hope than normal, because that only means Blakey will fight, fight, fight to the end to save her own life."
I had to say goodbye to Jacee not long after that talk.
I'm still not sure how she handled everything that day.

A month later................
Here we are.
Back at the hospital, only now it was for Jacee-Kay.

So, as we entered the emergency room,  I let her hit me and fight me and yell at me all she wanted to.
Even with people starring.

Doctors whispering. And nurses asking me to control her.

I knew they couldn't understand what our Jacee-Kay had been through.
The best child in the world acting like a crazy child. I could only patiently stand still, smile on the inside, cry on the outside and bask in her will to fight me.

And that's ok that they didn't understand why I let her act that way.

I knew in my heart that letting Jacee-Kay fight was the best thing for her.